The Blind Date (c) Gregory Quinn Brennan 2006

SCENE OPENS IN A DATING AGENCIES OFFICE. A MAN IS SITTING AT A DESK WORKING ON A COMPUTER HE IS IN A SMART SUIT.
THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALKS A MAN WHO IS WEARING DARK SUNGLASSES.

TONY:
Hello sir how can I help you?

MR JONES:
Well I was wondering if you could help me

TONY:
I see.

MR JONES:
That’s good otherwise it would be a case of the blind leading the blind after all I am blind myself

TONY:
So you are a man in need of some help then?

MR JONES:
That is why I am here sir.

TONY:
Call me Tony.

MR JONES:
Ok.

TONY:
So what seems to be the your problem then Mr..

MR JONES:
Jones, Frank Jones is the name.

TONY:
Thank you. So how may I be of assistance Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Well I am looking for a wife Tony.

TONY:
I see. Any old wife or have you particular type you are looking for when it comes to a future spouse?

MR JONES:
Well let me see. First of all she would have to be alive.

TONY:
That is a wise choice Mr Jones a wise choice indeed. I mean the amount of people who come through these doors asking for a dead wife is unbelievable.

MR JONES:
I am sure they do!

TONY:
Oh they do Mr Jones.

MR JONES:
What do you do with such people?

TONY:
Well I normally refer them to a Marriage Guidance Councillor or failing that a hit man.

MR JONES:
I beg your pardon?

TONY:
Just a joke Mr Jones it was just a joke.

MR JONES:
Oh I see [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] [AWKWARD PAUSE] oh you know what I mean.

TONY:
Yes quite. So are there any other requirements you need apart from her being alive that is?

MR JONES:
Well she must always stand upon her own two feet. I am very much in favour of that.

TONY:
So levitating wives are out then Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Most certainly, I only live in a bungalow and the ceilings are far too low for that type of thing.

TONY:
Oh I see... So the levitating woman, out. [HE DELETES SOMETHING OFF HIS COMPUTER] Ok what else do you want in a wife Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Let me think well it would be nice if she could be awake between the hours of 6:30 am and 10:30 pm each day.


TONY:
I see [TYPES ON HIS COMPUTER] so female Vampires are out I take it?

MR JONES:
Well it would be a bit of a drain on my lifestyle and anyway I have never seen the point in such women.

TONY RUBS THE SIDE OF HIS NECK JUST ABOVE THE COLLAR OF HIS SHIRT.

TONY:
Lucky you Mr Jones, any other requirements?

MR JONES:
One with a bit of movement in them would be wonderful. The energetic type would be nice.

TONY:
So Paraplegics are out and anyone bed ridden or on dialysis!

MR JONES:
I am afraid so yes.

TONY:
Well can I ask if you are heightiest in anyway Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Well she would have to be smaller than 7 feet tall.

TONY:
Ok [TYPES AGAIN ON THE COMPUTER] Less than 7 foot then.

MR JONES:
Oh and they would have to be bigger than a pepper pot. I mean I wouldn’t want to misplace her and trample her under foot now would I?

TONY:
No I guess not. So what about hair on a woman?

MR JONES:
Yes please. On her head would be nice.

TONY:
I agree Mr Jones but I meant do you have a favourite colour of hair at all.

MR JONES:
Well a Blonde would be nice. Not that I would be able to see her hair at all but I just imagined I would be suited to a blonde.


TONY:
Yes quite. And so what about her eyes then Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Two if you can manage it. No less than one.

TONY:
No Mr Jones I meant what colour eyes do you like in a woman?

MR JONES:
Well anything providing they are not glazed over like the ones I have. I do like big eyes on a girl well I did until the accident that is.

TONY:
We will see what we can do Sir.

THE MAN TYPES AWAY ON HIS COMPUTER. HE THEN LOOKS UP AT THE CLIENT.

TONY:
Body shape Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Well I am a little portly at the moment and I could do with losing a few…

TONY:
No Mr Jones what body shape on a woman do you like? Big, thin, lumpy or bumpy?

MR JONES:
As long as the curves are all in the right place I don’t really mind.

TONY:
Well that seems to be all that we would need for now Mr Jones. I have put all your details into our computer and the system will check the databank for a suitable match.

MR JONES:
No I wouldn’t want a match I don’t even smoke.

TONY:
No Mr Jones I meant match you up with a suitable partner.

MR JONES:
Oh I see… Er I understand.

TONY:
So now lets get down to the nitty gritty Mr Jones.

MR JONES:
No I am sorry but I couldn’t drop my under crackers just like that Tony we’ve only just met.


TONY:
I meant the cost of joining our exclusive dating agency Mr Jones.

MR JONES:
Oh sorry I misunderstood. How much is it then to join your club Tony.

TONY:
Well we have three grades of membership. There is the Bronze Membership Card, which is £100 for one year’s membership. With that you receive our club newsletter each month and you are guaranteed at least 5 dates with suitable women.

MR JONES:
Go on.

TONY:
The Silver Membership Card, which is £150 for one and a half year’s membership. With that you receive our club newsletter each month and you are guaranteed to have at least 10 dates with suitable women.

MR JONES:
Yes.

TONY:
And last but not the least we have the Gold Membership Card, which is £200 for two years. With that you receive our club newsletter each month. Now this is the best as we will guarantee you that you will have at least 25 dates with suitable women. So Mr Jones which of the three would you like to join?

MR JONES:
Well they all sound so good can I have time to think about it?

TONY:
Why yes of course you can Mr Jones how long do you need? I could set my alarm on my watch for you if you want?

MR JONES:
How long will that be for?

TONY:
Ten minutes max!

MR JONES:
Oh ok then.

TIME PASSES AND THE WATCH ALARM SOUNDS.

TONY:
The time is up Mr Jones have you decided yet?


MR JONES:
Yes I have I think I will go for the Silver Membership if you don’t mind?

TONY:
No not at all.

MR JONES:
Just one last question before I sign Tony?

TONY:
Yes and what would that be Mr Jones?

MR JONES:
Will the Newsletter be in Braille?

TONY:
Well no it doesn’t normally but I can arrange for someone to prick each letter in the newsletter with a pin if you would like?

MR JONES:
Why that would be marvellous thank you.

TONY:
Right that will be £200 then please Mr Jones!

MR JONES:
Why I thought you said it was only £150 for the Silver Membership?

TONY:
Well yes you are quite correct but unfortunately we will have to get someone to pin prick all the letters in the Newsletter.

MR JONES:
Oh I see… understand.

MR JONES RIFLES THROUGH HIS COAT POCKET AND PULL OUT A LEATHER WALLET. HE FEELS THROUGH THE MONEY AND HANDS OVER A WAD OF MONEY TO TONY.

TONY:
Well thank you for paying cash Mr Jones. If you just sign her on the registration form we can arrange for you first date in the next week or two.

THE MAN METICULOUSLY COUNTS THE MONEY IN SILENCE HE MOUTHS THE WORD £200 AND REALISES HE HAS TOO MUCH. THE REMAINING AMOUNT ADDS UP TO £40.00, WHICH HE AGAIN MOUTHS IN SILENCE. HE THINKS ABOUT HANDING THE MONEY BACK TO MR JONES. IN THE END TONY POCKETS THE EXTRA MONEY AND PLACES THE £200 IN AN ENVELOPE AND LOCKS IN HIS DRAW.

TONY:
Why thank you Mr Jones. Oh by the way just one last thing before you leave I need to inform you that the Membership means that you are exclusively signed up to this dating agency for eighteen months.

MR JONES:
Yes I understand that Tony.

TONY:
I am sure you do Mr Jones it’s just that I need to inform you that as such any children that may arise from any bonding between any women you meet from this agency during this period….

MR JONES:
Yes.

TONY:
Well I must inform you that we are the owners of any said children and we have the right to sell them for adoption, to couples that have been otherwise unable to conceive children. This would be done through our sister agency, Children Are Us.

MR JONES:
Well surely that cannot be right.

TONY:
I can assure you Mr Jones it is legitimate.

MR JONES:
Well what if I was not married would it still be illegitimate.

TONY:
Legitimate, I think you will find the word is Mr Jones and the answer is yes.

MR JONES:
Ok then. If that’s the deal I agree and I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

MR JONES STANDS UP. AS HE DOES SO WE HEAR AN AUDIBLE BEEP FROM THE COMPUTER.

MR JONES:
What was that noise Tony?

TONY:
Oh it was just the computer Mr Jones it has just confirmed a match for you. I’ll arrange for your first date details to be posted to you ASAP.


MR JONES:
Oh that would be nice. Could I be bold and ask you for her details before I leave Tony?

TONY:
Well it’s not the normal agency policy but seeing as it is you I’ll relax the rules just this once.

MR JONES:
Why thank you. So what are they then don’t keep me in suspense!

TONY:
Ok let me see, well she is not completely the match you are looking for but she doesn’t live that from you Mr Jones.

MR JONES:
Sounds very promising never the less.

TONY:
She likes brisk walks and plenty of outdoor activities.

MR JONES:
Yes.

TONY:
She’s Blonde and has a penchant for men who don’t mind her hanging around the house most of the day.

MR JONES:
Probably doesn’t work then! Yes go on!

TONY:
It says here that she is the subservient type of lady who likes her men to keep her in check. She loves to be pampered and well fed.

MR JONES:
I like my food myself. Yes go on!

TONY:
And it says here that she says she can be good company.

MR JONES:
She sounds just what I am looking for Tony inform her I’ll meet her tomorrow dinner time at the Dog and Gun Pub for a liquid lunch, if she wants that is. By the way what’s her name if you don’t mind?

TONY:
I’ll inform her straight away, Mr Jones.


MR JONES:
And her name Tony what’s her name?

TONY:
According to her application form her name is Tinkerbell and she’s a Golden Retriever.
THE END.