BUSY JOB CENTRE WE SEE A MAN WALK TO A VACANT CHAIR IN FRONT OF DESK. AN OFFICER IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK LOOKING BORED. HE IS LOOKING AT HIS HANDS AND THEN BITES HIS NAILS.
THE MAN SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND WAITS FOR THE OFFICER TO STOP WHAT HE IS DOING.
THE OFFICER LOOKS UP AND ACKNOWLEGES THE MAN AND SMILES.
MAN:
Just wondered if any new jobs have come in?
OFFICER:
Well we’ve had a few. I’d say just the sort of jobs that would fit your requirements to a “T”.
MAN:
Oh that’s interesting. Go on then let’s see what you have got?
OFFICER LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER. THE CUSTOMER TRIES TO LOOK BUT THE OFFICER TURNS THE SCREEN AWAY FROM THE CLIENT SO HE CANNOT SEE.
OFFICER:
Ok first of all we have this one, male over 21, good health required as a sword swallower at the “All Pink Circus”. No experience needed full hands on training provided. What do you reckon on that one? It looks like a nice little job for you.
MAN:
No really my type of thing, besides I’ve always had trouble with swallowing things and I am not sure if it would be nice gagging on a full length sword. What’s the next one then?
OFFICER:
How about this one? It looks promising and it’s right up your street. The local council are looking for a young athletic man to clean the back alleys in and around the Gay Quarter down by Canal Street. No previous experience required as long as applicant doesn’t mind rolling their sleeves up and getting their hands dirty. Uniform provided and full training is supplied by F.I.S.T.
MAN:
FIST? Who are they?
OFFICER:
Oh it’s the local funded cleaning directive. Filth Is Swiftly Tidied. Apparently if you complete the weeks course you get an “I’ve been fisted” diploma.
MAN:
Again not sure if I like that one
OFFICER BEHIND DESK ROLLS HIS EYES AND SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY
OFFICER:
How about this one a meat packer required needs to be strong a healthy as heavy meat is required to be humped around the place. Must have a tolerance for handling Pork and Beef and training is provided in handling the wide range of mincers at the abattoir.
MAN:
I’m a vegetarian I don’t think I could handle seeing all that dead meat hanging around everywhere. What else is there?
OFFICER:
Well we’re not having much joy today are we?
MAN:
I wouldn’t want to go for a job I didn’t feel comfortable with.
OFFICER:
Well what about gardening? We have vacancy for a gardener of an uphill plot.
MAN:
I have an allergy to flora and fauna I’m afraid I break out in hives if I go anywhere near a florist never mind a garden or park.
OFFICER:
In that case how about working in the theatre? The Alhambra Theatre is looking for a magician's assistant.
MAN:
What does that entail then?
OFFICER:
Apparently you would be a wand polisher.
THE OFFICER ARCHES ONE OFHIS EYBROWS
MAN:
All that “Pif, Paf, Poof stuff, I’m sorry no. As for squeezing into the magician box and watching him make his wand disappear I don’t think I would like it.
OFFICER:
Well how about the mining industry maybe? We have a vacancy for a marmite miner.
MAN:
No tight dark spaces and helmets not my thing I’m afraid.
OFFICER:
In that case what about working outdoors with a road construction company?
MAN:
That sounds more interesting what’s the work?
OFFICER:
It says here a dirt track irrigator
MAN:
Perhaps, not.
OFFICER:
Well we appear to have exhausted all of those vacancies.
THE OFFICER LOOKS PEEVED.
MAN:
Never mind I’ll call in at the end of the week to see if anything else has turned up.
THE MAN GETS UP FROM THE CHAIR AND MOTIONS TO LEAVE THE JOB CENTRE. AS HE IS WALKING AWAY THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK CALLS HIM BACK.
OFFICER:
Oh sorry I have just noticed one more.
THE CUSTOMER RETURNS TO THE DESK BUT REMAINS STANDING.
MAN:
What is it?
OFFICER:
It’s for a fudge packer.
THE MAN WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD. WE SEE THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK SMILE. HE TURNS THE SCREEN BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSSITION AND WE SEE A BLANK SCREEN.
HE SMILES TO HIMSELF AGAIN AND CARRIES ON BITING HIS NAILS.
THE END.
THE MAN SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND WAITS FOR THE OFFICER TO STOP WHAT HE IS DOING.
THE OFFICER LOOKS UP AND ACKNOWLEGES THE MAN AND SMILES.
MAN:
Just wondered if any new jobs have come in?
OFFICER:
Well we’ve had a few. I’d say just the sort of jobs that would fit your requirements to a “T”.
MAN:
Oh that’s interesting. Go on then let’s see what you have got?
OFFICER LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER. THE CUSTOMER TRIES TO LOOK BUT THE OFFICER TURNS THE SCREEN AWAY FROM THE CLIENT SO HE CANNOT SEE.
OFFICER:
Ok first of all we have this one, male over 21, good health required as a sword swallower at the “All Pink Circus”. No experience needed full hands on training provided. What do you reckon on that one? It looks like a nice little job for you.
MAN:
No really my type of thing, besides I’ve always had trouble with swallowing things and I am not sure if it would be nice gagging on a full length sword. What’s the next one then?
OFFICER:
How about this one? It looks promising and it’s right up your street. The local council are looking for a young athletic man to clean the back alleys in and around the Gay Quarter down by Canal Street. No previous experience required as long as applicant doesn’t mind rolling their sleeves up and getting their hands dirty. Uniform provided and full training is supplied by F.I.S.T.
MAN:
FIST? Who are they?
OFFICER:
Oh it’s the local funded cleaning directive. Filth Is Swiftly Tidied. Apparently if you complete the weeks course you get an “I’ve been fisted” diploma.
MAN:
Again not sure if I like that one
OFFICER BEHIND DESK ROLLS HIS EYES AND SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY
OFFICER:
How about this one a meat packer required needs to be strong a healthy as heavy meat is required to be humped around the place. Must have a tolerance for handling Pork and Beef and training is provided in handling the wide range of mincers at the abattoir.
MAN:
I’m a vegetarian I don’t think I could handle seeing all that dead meat hanging around everywhere. What else is there?
OFFICER:
Well we’re not having much joy today are we?
MAN:
I wouldn’t want to go for a job I didn’t feel comfortable with.
OFFICER:
Well what about gardening? We have vacancy for a gardener of an uphill plot.
MAN:
I have an allergy to flora and fauna I’m afraid I break out in hives if I go anywhere near a florist never mind a garden or park.
OFFICER:
In that case how about working in the theatre? The Alhambra Theatre is looking for a magician's assistant.
MAN:
What does that entail then?
OFFICER:
Apparently you would be a wand polisher.
THE OFFICER ARCHES ONE OFHIS EYBROWS
MAN:
All that “Pif, Paf, Poof stuff, I’m sorry no. As for squeezing into the magician box and watching him make his wand disappear I don’t think I would like it.
OFFICER:
Well how about the mining industry maybe? We have a vacancy for a marmite miner.
MAN:
No tight dark spaces and helmets not my thing I’m afraid.
OFFICER:
In that case what about working outdoors with a road construction company?
MAN:
That sounds more interesting what’s the work?
OFFICER:
It says here a dirt track irrigator
MAN:
Perhaps, not.
OFFICER:
Well we appear to have exhausted all of those vacancies.
THE OFFICER LOOKS PEEVED.
MAN:
Never mind I’ll call in at the end of the week to see if anything else has turned up.
THE MAN GETS UP FROM THE CHAIR AND MOTIONS TO LEAVE THE JOB CENTRE. AS HE IS WALKING AWAY THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK CALLS HIM BACK.
OFFICER:
Oh sorry I have just noticed one more.
THE CUSTOMER RETURNS TO THE DESK BUT REMAINS STANDING.
MAN:
What is it?
OFFICER:
It’s for a fudge packer.
THE MAN WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD. WE SEE THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK SMILE. HE TURNS THE SCREEN BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSSITION AND WE SEE A BLANK SCREEN.
HE SMILES TO HIMSELF AGAIN AND CARRIES ON BITING HIS NAILS.
THE END.
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