EXT Shot of House of Commons
INT Shot of a small room just outside the main chamber
V/O “Voting will commence on the Amendments to the Human Rights Act in 5 minutes.”
A stern-looking woman and an older man (the Prime Minister) are in discussion:
PM “It looks like we’re going to come up short by 2 votes here Cartwright. And I’ll be buggered if my legislation’s getting sunk because those three lazy shitehawks have gone AWOL. Now, if you value your job as Chief Whip, you’ll get them in here FAST!”
Chief Whip “Of course, Prime Minster. I’ll go and look for them straight away.”
INT Cut to a cosy bar – leather chairs, real fire and solid oak tables etc.
3 middle-aged men are sat around a table in the corner of the room talking excitedly.
Bob “Simply genius idea Henry. Who would think of looking for us in here? I mean no-one would be stupid enough to hide out in the pub when there’s such a vital vote going on upstairs would they? It’s the absolute bloody last place they’d look isn’t it?”
Peter “Yes. Quite. Well I believe we were playing a game here gents. And I for one would appreciate getting back to the action so to speak.”
Henry “Indeed. It’s your go isnt it Bob?”
Bob clicks his fingers ostentatiously to summon over the waitress
Bob “My dear, can I have another large scotch over here please? Oh and sorry how rude of me not to ask my colleagues here. (Addresses the group) Anybody else need a refil?”
Peter & Henry shake their heads.
Henry “Bob, it is your go isnt it?”
Bob (annoyed) “Yes. Yes it is my sodding go.” Takes a long look at the top card of pile of cards in front of him, sighs then finally says half-heartedly “Facial Hair?”
Henry dejectedly throws his card into the middle. We now see it is a Top Trumps card showing the face of Colonel Gaddafi .
Peter, smirking, theatrically places his card on the top of the pile. It is Adolf Hitler.
Bob (grinning like an excited schoolboy on Christmas morning) lays his card down and laughs. “Read ‘em and weep boys. Fidel Castro! I think you’ll find that our old friend Fidel, with a thick lustrous beard and a facial hair score of 98 beats your Hitler hands down Peter dear boy! Ha ha!”
Bob triumphantly collects the cards off the table and adds them to his pile. Zoom into the backs of the cards to see ‘Top Trumps Despots’. Bob leans in towards Peter and sings “I took your Hitler, I took your Hitler. You’re a little shitler and now I’ve got your Hitler!”
Peter looks at Bob with contempt. He gets up and stomps off towards the bar, muttering under his breath “Fat bastard.”
Bob half-turns towards Peter “What was that dearie?”
Peter “Look do you want another scotch and water or not?”
Bob “Well, if you’re paying Petie-poos, I can hardly decline!”
The thick wooden doors of the bar burst open and the stern woman bursts through with a face like thunder.
Chief Whip “Well, well, well. If it isn’t our itinerant honourable members for skiving and enjoying the Crown’s hospitality. Playing hide and seek again gentlemen?”
Henry and Bob both hurriedly pocket their cards and sit with their heads down, unable to look the Chief Whip in the eye.
Peter slowly creeps back to the table, drinks in hand, on tip-toes. Presumably hoping not to be noticed.
As he places the drinks down he notices his cards are in full view and makes a desperate grab at them. The Chief Whip’s hand descends quickly and grabs Peter’s hand, knocking the cards out.
Chief Whip “So what is it today chaps? What could possibly be so important to keep you away from the vote on the PM’s new Human Rights Bill? Attendance to which, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, just might have a direct correlation on one’s future career prospects. Well? An emergency game of gin rummy perhaps? Or a cribbage session of the utmost national importance? At least thank God it’s not Strip Poker again!”
She picks up some of the cards and examines them
Chief Whip (incredulously) “Top Trumps Despots? You must be kidding me?”
No-one can look at her. They all mutter incomprehensibly in contrition.
Chief Whip “Unbe-bloody-lievable! (Pause) I’ve been trying to get my hands on a pack of these for months. Come on then, budge up. Deal me in!”
CUT AWAY
CUT BACK TO SAME BAR. IT IS NOW DARK
INT Shot of a small room just outside the main chamber
V/O “Voting will commence on the Amendments to the Human Rights Act in 5 minutes.”
A stern-looking woman and an older man (the Prime Minister) are in discussion:
PM “It looks like we’re going to come up short by 2 votes here Cartwright. And I’ll be buggered if my legislation’s getting sunk because those three lazy shitehawks have gone AWOL. Now, if you value your job as Chief Whip, you’ll get them in here FAST!”
Chief Whip “Of course, Prime Minster. I’ll go and look for them straight away.”
INT Cut to a cosy bar – leather chairs, real fire and solid oak tables etc.
3 middle-aged men are sat around a table in the corner of the room talking excitedly.
Bob “Simply genius idea Henry. Who would think of looking for us in here? I mean no-one would be stupid enough to hide out in the pub when there’s such a vital vote going on upstairs would they? It’s the absolute bloody last place they’d look isn’t it?”
Peter “Yes. Quite. Well I believe we were playing a game here gents. And I for one would appreciate getting back to the action so to speak.”
Henry “Indeed. It’s your go isnt it Bob?”
Bob clicks his fingers ostentatiously to summon over the waitress
Bob “My dear, can I have another large scotch over here please? Oh and sorry how rude of me not to ask my colleagues here. (Addresses the group) Anybody else need a refil?”
Peter & Henry shake their heads.
Henry “Bob, it is your go isnt it?”
Bob (annoyed) “Yes. Yes it is my sodding go.” Takes a long look at the top card of pile of cards in front of him, sighs then finally says half-heartedly “Facial Hair?”
Henry dejectedly throws his card into the middle. We now see it is a Top Trumps card showing the face of Colonel Gaddafi .
Peter, smirking, theatrically places his card on the top of the pile. It is Adolf Hitler.
Bob (grinning like an excited schoolboy on Christmas morning) lays his card down and laughs. “Read ‘em and weep boys. Fidel Castro! I think you’ll find that our old friend Fidel, with a thick lustrous beard and a facial hair score of 98 beats your Hitler hands down Peter dear boy! Ha ha!”
Bob triumphantly collects the cards off the table and adds them to his pile. Zoom into the backs of the cards to see ‘Top Trumps Despots’. Bob leans in towards Peter and sings “I took your Hitler, I took your Hitler. You’re a little shitler and now I’ve got your Hitler!”
Peter looks at Bob with contempt. He gets up and stomps off towards the bar, muttering under his breath “Fat bastard.”
Bob half-turns towards Peter “What was that dearie?”
Peter “Look do you want another scotch and water or not?”
Bob “Well, if you’re paying Petie-poos, I can hardly decline!”
The thick wooden doors of the bar burst open and the stern woman bursts through with a face like thunder.
Chief Whip “Well, well, well. If it isn’t our itinerant honourable members for skiving and enjoying the Crown’s hospitality. Playing hide and seek again gentlemen?”
Henry and Bob both hurriedly pocket their cards and sit with their heads down, unable to look the Chief Whip in the eye.
Peter slowly creeps back to the table, drinks in hand, on tip-toes. Presumably hoping not to be noticed.
As he places the drinks down he notices his cards are in full view and makes a desperate grab at them. The Chief Whip’s hand descends quickly and grabs Peter’s hand, knocking the cards out.
Chief Whip “So what is it today chaps? What could possibly be so important to keep you away from the vote on the PM’s new Human Rights Bill? Attendance to which, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, just might have a direct correlation on one’s future career prospects. Well? An emergency game of gin rummy perhaps? Or a cribbage session of the utmost national importance? At least thank God it’s not Strip Poker again!”
She picks up some of the cards and examines them
Chief Whip (incredulously) “Top Trumps Despots? You must be kidding me?”
No-one can look at her. They all mutter incomprehensibly in contrition.
Chief Whip “Unbe-bloody-lievable! (Pause) I’ve been trying to get my hands on a pack of these for months. Come on then, budge up. Deal me in!”
CUT AWAY
CUT BACK TO SAME BAR. IT IS NOW DARK
Peter, Henry, Bob and the Chief Whip are sitting around the table all looking dishevelled with empty glasses everywhere.
Chief Whip “Whadddayou mean, you win? Theresh no way you b-beated me with Sshairman Mao Zedong. Ha! Mousey Dong! Get it? He only had a mousey sized dong. No wonder he was the kinkiest! Hic. OK, OK, lessh play again. Come on then deal!”
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