SCENE OPENS IN A DATING AGENCIES OFFICE. A MAN IS SITTING AT A DESK WORKING ON A COMPUTER HE IS IN A SMART SUIT.
THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALKS A MAN WHO IS WEARING DARK SUNGLASSES.
TONY:
Hello sir how can I help you?
MR JONES:
Well I was wondering if you could help me
TONY:
I see.
MR JONES:
That’s good otherwise it would be a case of the blind leading the blind after all I am blind myself
TONY:
So you are a man in need of some help then?
MR JONES:
That is why I am here sir.
TONY:
Call me Tony.
MR JONES:
Ok.
TONY:
So what seems to be the your problem then Mr..
MR JONES:
Jones, Frank Jones is the name.
TONY:
Thank you. So how may I be of assistance Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Well I am looking for a wife Tony.
TONY:
I see. Any old wife or have you particular type you are looking for when it comes to a future spouse?
MR JONES:
Well let me see. First of all she would have to be alive.
TONY:
That is a wise choice Mr Jones a wise choice indeed. I mean the amount of people who come through these doors asking for a dead wife is unbelievable.
MR JONES:
I am sure they do!
TONY:
Oh they do Mr Jones.
MR JONES:
What do you do with such people?
TONY:
Well I normally refer them to a Marriage Guidance Councillor or failing that a hit man.
MR JONES:
I beg your pardon?
TONY:
Just a joke Mr Jones it was just a joke.
MR JONES:
Oh I see [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] [AWKWARD PAUSE] oh you know what I mean.
TONY:
Yes quite. So are there any other requirements you need apart from her being alive that is?
MR JONES:
Well she must always stand upon her own two feet. I am very much in favour of that.
TONY:
So levitating wives are out then Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Most certainly, I only live in a bungalow and the ceilings are far too low for that type of thing.
TONY:
Oh I see... So the levitating woman, out. [HE DELETES SOMETHING OFF HIS COMPUTER] Ok what else do you want in a wife Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Let me think well it would be nice if she could be awake between the hours of 6:30 am and 10:30 pm each day.
TONY:
I see [TYPES ON HIS COMPUTER] so female Vampires are out I take it?
MR JONES:
Well it would be a bit of a drain on my lifestyle and anyway I have never seen the point in such women.
TONY RUBS THE SIDE OF HIS NECK JUST ABOVE THE COLLAR OF HIS SHIRT.
TONY:
Lucky you Mr Jones, any other requirements?
MR JONES:
One with a bit of movement in them would be wonderful. The energetic type would be nice.
TONY:
So Paraplegics are out and anyone bed ridden or on dialysis!
MR JONES:
I am afraid so yes.
TONY:
Well can I ask if you are heightiest in anyway Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Well she would have to be smaller than 7 feet tall.
TONY:
Ok [TYPES AGAIN ON THE COMPUTER] Less than 7 foot then.
MR JONES:
Oh and they would have to be bigger than a pepper pot. I mean I wouldn’t want to misplace her and trample her under foot now would I?
TONY:
No I guess not. So what about hair on a woman?
MR JONES:
Yes please. On her head would be nice.
TONY:
I agree Mr Jones but I meant do you have a favourite colour of hair at all.
MR JONES:
Well a Blonde would be nice. Not that I would be able to see her hair at all but I just imagined I would be suited to a blonde.
TONY:
Yes quite. And so what about her eyes then Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Two if you can manage it. No less than one.
TONY:
No Mr Jones I meant what colour eyes do you like in a woman?
MR JONES:
Well anything providing they are not glazed over like the ones I have. I do like big eyes on a girl well I did until the accident that is.
TONY:
We will see what we can do Sir.
THE MAN TYPES AWAY ON HIS COMPUTER. HE THEN LOOKS UP AT THE CLIENT.
TONY:
Body shape Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Well I am a little portly at the moment and I could do with losing a few…
TONY:
No Mr Jones what body shape on a woman do you like? Big, thin, lumpy or bumpy?
MR JONES:
As long as the curves are all in the right place I don’t really mind.
TONY:
Well that seems to be all that we would need for now Mr Jones. I have put all your details into our computer and the system will check the databank for a suitable match.
MR JONES:
No I wouldn’t want a match I don’t even smoke.
TONY:
No Mr Jones I meant match you up with a suitable partner.
MR JONES:
Oh I see… Er I understand.
TONY:
So now lets get down to the nitty gritty Mr Jones.
MR JONES:
No I am sorry but I couldn’t drop my under crackers just like that Tony we’ve only just met.
TONY:
I meant the cost of joining our exclusive dating agency Mr Jones.
MR JONES:
Oh sorry I misunderstood. How much is it then to join your club Tony.
TONY:
Well we have three grades of membership. There is the Bronze Membership Card, which is £100 for one year’s membership. With that you receive our club newsletter each month and you are guaranteed at least 5 dates with suitable women.
MR JONES:
Go on.
TONY:
The Silver Membership Card, which is £150 for one and a half year’s membership. With that you receive our club newsletter each month and you are guaranteed to have at least 10 dates with suitable women.
MR JONES:
Yes.
TONY:
And last but not the least we have the Gold Membership Card, which is £200 for two years. With that you receive our club newsletter each month. Now this is the best as we will guarantee you that you will have at least 25 dates with suitable women. So Mr Jones which of the three would you like to join?
MR JONES:
Well they all sound so good can I have time to think about it?
TONY:
Why yes of course you can Mr Jones how long do you need? I could set my alarm on my watch for you if you want?
MR JONES:
How long will that be for?
TONY:
Ten minutes max!
MR JONES:
Oh ok then.
TIME PASSES AND THE WATCH ALARM SOUNDS.
TONY:
The time is up Mr Jones have you decided yet?
MR JONES:
Yes I have I think I will go for the Silver Membership if you don’t mind?
TONY:
No not at all.
MR JONES:
Just one last question before I sign Tony?
TONY:
Yes and what would that be Mr Jones?
MR JONES:
Will the Newsletter be in Braille?
TONY:
Well no it doesn’t normally but I can arrange for someone to prick each letter in the newsletter with a pin if you would like?
MR JONES:
Why that would be marvellous thank you.
TONY:
Right that will be £200 then please Mr Jones!
MR JONES:
Why I thought you said it was only £150 for the Silver Membership?
TONY:
Well yes you are quite correct but unfortunately we will have to get someone to pin prick all the letters in the Newsletter.
MR JONES:
Oh I see… understand.
MR JONES RIFLES THROUGH HIS COAT POCKET AND PULL OUT A LEATHER WALLET. HE FEELS THROUGH THE MONEY AND HANDS OVER A WAD OF MONEY TO TONY.
TONY:
Well thank you for paying cash Mr Jones. If you just sign her on the registration form we can arrange for you first date in the next week or two.
THE MAN METICULOUSLY COUNTS THE MONEY IN SILENCE HE MOUTHS THE WORD £200 AND REALISES HE HAS TOO MUCH. THE REMAINING AMOUNT ADDS UP TO £40.00, WHICH HE AGAIN MOUTHS IN SILENCE. HE THINKS ABOUT HANDING THE MONEY BACK TO MR JONES. IN THE END TONY POCKETS THE EXTRA MONEY AND PLACES THE £200 IN AN ENVELOPE AND LOCKS IN HIS DRAW.
TONY:
Why thank you Mr Jones. Oh by the way just one last thing before you leave I need to inform you that the Membership means that you are exclusively signed up to this dating agency for eighteen months.
MR JONES:
Yes I understand that Tony.
TONY:
I am sure you do Mr Jones it’s just that I need to inform you that as such any children that may arise from any bonding between any women you meet from this agency during this period….
MR JONES:
Yes.
TONY:
Well I must inform you that we are the owners of any said children and we have the right to sell them for adoption, to couples that have been otherwise unable to conceive children. This would be done through our sister agency, Children Are Us.
MR JONES:
Well surely that cannot be right.
TONY:
I can assure you Mr Jones it is legitimate.
MR JONES:
Well what if I was not married would it still be illegitimate.
TONY:
Legitimate, I think you will find the word is Mr Jones and the answer is yes.
MR JONES:
Ok then. If that’s the deal I agree and I’ll look forward to hearing from you.
MR JONES STANDS UP. AS HE DOES SO WE HEAR AN AUDIBLE BEEP FROM THE COMPUTER.
MR JONES:
What was that noise Tony?
TONY:
Oh it was just the computer Mr Jones it has just confirmed a match for you. I’ll arrange for your first date details to be posted to you ASAP.
MR JONES:
Oh that would be nice. Could I be bold and ask you for her details before I leave Tony?
TONY:
Well it’s not the normal agency policy but seeing as it is you I’ll relax the rules just this once.
MR JONES:
Why thank you. So what are they then don’t keep me in suspense!
TONY:
Ok let me see, well she is not completely the match you are looking for but she doesn’t live that from you Mr Jones.
MR JONES:
Sounds very promising never the less.
TONY:
She likes brisk walks and plenty of outdoor activities.
MR JONES:
Yes.
TONY:
She’s Blonde and has a penchant for men who don’t mind her hanging around the house most of the day.
MR JONES:
Probably doesn’t work then! Yes go on!
TONY:
It says here that she is the subservient type of lady who likes her men to keep her in check. She loves to be pampered and well fed.
MR JONES:
I like my food myself. Yes go on!
TONY:
And it says here that she says she can be good company.
MR JONES:
She sounds just what I am looking for Tony inform her I’ll meet her tomorrow dinner time at the Dog and Gun Pub for a liquid lunch, if she wants that is. By the way what’s her name if you don’t mind?
TONY:
I’ll inform her straight away, Mr Jones.
MR JONES:
And her name Tony what’s her name?
TONY:
According to her application form her name is Tinkerbell and she’s a Golden Retriever.
THE END.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Aliens Live Amongst Us?
It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.
1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost conciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.
1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherant language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protusion.
1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
The Retirement Home - (C) Gregory Q Brennan
A RETIREMENT HOME SOMEWHERE IN THE COUNTRY. TWO OLD MEN ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER IN THE SITTING ROOM BOTH ARE IN COMFY CHAIR’S.
MAN 1:
Yes well of course things tended to happen like that all of the time!
MAN 2 LOOKS AT MAN 1 STRANGE.
MAN 2:
What are you on about?
MAN 1:
[GESTICULATING] I was merely saying that things happened like that quite often when I was younger.
MAN 2:
Things like what happened?
MAN 1:
Well of course when I asked him to put his fingers in the hole [ MOTIONS THE ACT OF PLACING A FINGER IN A HOLE] he soon changed his tune didn’t he?
MAN 2:
Who did? What are talking about you old duffer?
MAN 1:
Why that bleeding doubting Thomas. It was the last time he ever questioned anything I did I am telling you. I told him all right; you know all God like and that.
MAN 2:
What did you tell him then?
MAN 1:
I said go on Thomas, you doubting bleeder you, stick your fingers in and probe the truth I dare you. I’ve never seen a man so quickly remove his hands!
MAN 2:
What did he do then?
MAN 1:
Well he couldn’t look me in the eye could he all doubting and that, he felt a right berk. He said he felt uncomfortable being asked to probe a man’s hole in front of a group of disciples and all that!
MAN 2:
He has a point.
MAN 1:
He didn’t have to point at anything the damn thing was right in front of him.
MAN 2:
Well what about the others did they have ago?
MAN 1:
No the gang of sheep, they just accepted I was telling the truth didn’t they?
MAN 2:
Oh I see!
MAN 1:
Yes you would if I was to come over there and touch your blind eyes. I am a miracle worker I am.
MAN 2:
But I am not blind!
MAN 1:
See just by the mere thought of it I have cured you.
MAN 2:
Don’t know what to say about that.
MAN 1:
What struck dumb in my presence are you, come here and let me touch your mouth and I will cure you?
MAN 2:
No you are all right!
MAN 1:
Another miracle I have made you speak again. I haven’t lost it.
MAN 2:
You haven’t lost what?
MAN 1:
My touch. I still have it. It’s wonderful being God you know!
MAN 2:
No you are definitely touched I can see that.
MAN 1:
You can still see. Let no one say that Gods miracles are short- term miracles.
MAN 2:
What was going on with that Judas fellow?
MAN 1:
Ah Judas, Judas, Judas. He was a nice chap actually, didn’t deserve the grief people gave him.
MAN 2:
But didn’t he give you up to the Romans for 30 pieces of gold?
MAN 1:
Well yes but it was the Jerusalem Lottery roll over that week and who can blame anyone trying to make a little money on the side.
MAN 2:
You mean you didn’t mind him being bought off like that
MAN 1:
Besides if he hadn’t of done, the prophecy wouldn’t have come true would it?
MAN 2:
No I guess not.
MAN1:
And where would I have been then?
MAN 2:
Another nursing home perhaps?
MAN 2, LOOKS AT MAN1 TO SEE HIS REACTION BUT MAN 1 HAS FALLEN ASLEEP AND IS SNORING NOISILY.
THE END.
MAN 1:
Yes well of course things tended to happen like that all of the time!
MAN 2 LOOKS AT MAN 1 STRANGE.
MAN 2:
What are you on about?
MAN 1:
[GESTICULATING] I was merely saying that things happened like that quite often when I was younger.
MAN 2:
Things like what happened?
MAN 1:
Well of course when I asked him to put his fingers in the hole [ MOTIONS THE ACT OF PLACING A FINGER IN A HOLE] he soon changed his tune didn’t he?
MAN 2:
Who did? What are talking about you old duffer?
MAN 1:
Why that bleeding doubting Thomas. It was the last time he ever questioned anything I did I am telling you. I told him all right; you know all God like and that.
MAN 2:
What did you tell him then?
MAN 1:
I said go on Thomas, you doubting bleeder you, stick your fingers in and probe the truth I dare you. I’ve never seen a man so quickly remove his hands!
MAN 2:
What did he do then?
MAN 1:
Well he couldn’t look me in the eye could he all doubting and that, he felt a right berk. He said he felt uncomfortable being asked to probe a man’s hole in front of a group of disciples and all that!
MAN 2:
He has a point.
MAN 1:
He didn’t have to point at anything the damn thing was right in front of him.
MAN 2:
Well what about the others did they have ago?
MAN 1:
No the gang of sheep, they just accepted I was telling the truth didn’t they?
MAN 2:
Oh I see!
MAN 1:
Yes you would if I was to come over there and touch your blind eyes. I am a miracle worker I am.
MAN 2:
But I am not blind!
MAN 1:
See just by the mere thought of it I have cured you.
MAN 2:
Don’t know what to say about that.
MAN 1:
What struck dumb in my presence are you, come here and let me touch your mouth and I will cure you?
MAN 2:
No you are all right!
MAN 1:
Another miracle I have made you speak again. I haven’t lost it.
MAN 2:
You haven’t lost what?
MAN 1:
My touch. I still have it. It’s wonderful being God you know!
MAN 2:
No you are definitely touched I can see that.
MAN 1:
You can still see. Let no one say that Gods miracles are short- term miracles.
MAN 2:
What was going on with that Judas fellow?
MAN 1:
Ah Judas, Judas, Judas. He was a nice chap actually, didn’t deserve the grief people gave him.
MAN 2:
But didn’t he give you up to the Romans for 30 pieces of gold?
MAN 1:
Well yes but it was the Jerusalem Lottery roll over that week and who can blame anyone trying to make a little money on the side.
MAN 2:
You mean you didn’t mind him being bought off like that
MAN 1:
Besides if he hadn’t of done, the prophecy wouldn’t have come true would it?
MAN 2:
No I guess not.
MAN1:
And where would I have been then?
MAN 2:
Another nursing home perhaps?
MAN 2, LOOKS AT MAN1 TO SEE HIS REACTION BUT MAN 1 HAS FALLEN ASLEEP AND IS SNORING NOISILY.
THE END.
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
MP's Playtime
EXT Shot of House of Commons
INT Shot of a small room just outside the main chamber
V/O “Voting will commence on the Amendments to the Human Rights Act in 5 minutes.”
A stern-looking woman and an older man (the Prime Minister) are in discussion:
PM “It looks like we’re going to come up short by 2 votes here Cartwright. And I’ll be buggered if my legislation’s getting sunk because those three lazy shitehawks have gone AWOL. Now, if you value your job as Chief Whip, you’ll get them in here FAST!”
Chief Whip “Of course, Prime Minster. I’ll go and look for them straight away.”
INT Cut to a cosy bar – leather chairs, real fire and solid oak tables etc.
3 middle-aged men are sat around a table in the corner of the room talking excitedly.
Bob “Simply genius idea Henry. Who would think of looking for us in here? I mean no-one would be stupid enough to hide out in the pub when there’s such a vital vote going on upstairs would they? It’s the absolute bloody last place they’d look isn’t it?”
Peter “Yes. Quite. Well I believe we were playing a game here gents. And I for one would appreciate getting back to the action so to speak.”
Henry “Indeed. It’s your go isnt it Bob?”
Bob clicks his fingers ostentatiously to summon over the waitress
Bob “My dear, can I have another large scotch over here please? Oh and sorry how rude of me not to ask my colleagues here. (Addresses the group) Anybody else need a refil?”
Peter & Henry shake their heads.
Henry “Bob, it is your go isnt it?”
Bob (annoyed) “Yes. Yes it is my sodding go.” Takes a long look at the top card of pile of cards in front of him, sighs then finally says half-heartedly “Facial Hair?”
Henry dejectedly throws his card into the middle. We now see it is a Top Trumps card showing the face of Colonel Gaddafi .
Peter, smirking, theatrically places his card on the top of the pile. It is Adolf Hitler.
Bob (grinning like an excited schoolboy on Christmas morning) lays his card down and laughs. “Read ‘em and weep boys. Fidel Castro! I think you’ll find that our old friend Fidel, with a thick lustrous beard and a facial hair score of 98 beats your Hitler hands down Peter dear boy! Ha ha!”
Bob triumphantly collects the cards off the table and adds them to his pile. Zoom into the backs of the cards to see ‘Top Trumps Despots’. Bob leans in towards Peter and sings “I took your Hitler, I took your Hitler. You’re a little shitler and now I’ve got your Hitler!”
Peter looks at Bob with contempt. He gets up and stomps off towards the bar, muttering under his breath “Fat bastard.”
Bob half-turns towards Peter “What was that dearie?”
Peter “Look do you want another scotch and water or not?”
Bob “Well, if you’re paying Petie-poos, I can hardly decline!”
The thick wooden doors of the bar burst open and the stern woman bursts through with a face like thunder.
Chief Whip “Well, well, well. If it isn’t our itinerant honourable members for skiving and enjoying the Crown’s hospitality. Playing hide and seek again gentlemen?”
Henry and Bob both hurriedly pocket their cards and sit with their heads down, unable to look the Chief Whip in the eye.
Peter slowly creeps back to the table, drinks in hand, on tip-toes. Presumably hoping not to be noticed.
As he places the drinks down he notices his cards are in full view and makes a desperate grab at them. The Chief Whip’s hand descends quickly and grabs Peter’s hand, knocking the cards out.
Chief Whip “So what is it today chaps? What could possibly be so important to keep you away from the vote on the PM’s new Human Rights Bill? Attendance to which, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, just might have a direct correlation on one’s future career prospects. Well? An emergency game of gin rummy perhaps? Or a cribbage session of the utmost national importance? At least thank God it’s not Strip Poker again!”
She picks up some of the cards and examines them
Chief Whip (incredulously) “Top Trumps Despots? You must be kidding me?”
No-one can look at her. They all mutter incomprehensibly in contrition.
Chief Whip “Unbe-bloody-lievable! (Pause) I’ve been trying to get my hands on a pack of these for months. Come on then, budge up. Deal me in!”
CUT AWAY
CUT BACK TO SAME BAR. IT IS NOW DARK
INT Shot of a small room just outside the main chamber
V/O “Voting will commence on the Amendments to the Human Rights Act in 5 minutes.”
A stern-looking woman and an older man (the Prime Minister) are in discussion:
PM “It looks like we’re going to come up short by 2 votes here Cartwright. And I’ll be buggered if my legislation’s getting sunk because those three lazy shitehawks have gone AWOL. Now, if you value your job as Chief Whip, you’ll get them in here FAST!”
Chief Whip “Of course, Prime Minster. I’ll go and look for them straight away.”
INT Cut to a cosy bar – leather chairs, real fire and solid oak tables etc.
3 middle-aged men are sat around a table in the corner of the room talking excitedly.
Bob “Simply genius idea Henry. Who would think of looking for us in here? I mean no-one would be stupid enough to hide out in the pub when there’s such a vital vote going on upstairs would they? It’s the absolute bloody last place they’d look isn’t it?”
Peter “Yes. Quite. Well I believe we were playing a game here gents. And I for one would appreciate getting back to the action so to speak.”
Henry “Indeed. It’s your go isnt it Bob?”
Bob clicks his fingers ostentatiously to summon over the waitress
Bob “My dear, can I have another large scotch over here please? Oh and sorry how rude of me not to ask my colleagues here. (Addresses the group) Anybody else need a refil?”
Peter & Henry shake their heads.
Henry “Bob, it is your go isnt it?”
Bob (annoyed) “Yes. Yes it is my sodding go.” Takes a long look at the top card of pile of cards in front of him, sighs then finally says half-heartedly “Facial Hair?”
Henry dejectedly throws his card into the middle. We now see it is a Top Trumps card showing the face of Colonel Gaddafi .
Peter, smirking, theatrically places his card on the top of the pile. It is Adolf Hitler.
Bob (grinning like an excited schoolboy on Christmas morning) lays his card down and laughs. “Read ‘em and weep boys. Fidel Castro! I think you’ll find that our old friend Fidel, with a thick lustrous beard and a facial hair score of 98 beats your Hitler hands down Peter dear boy! Ha ha!”
Bob triumphantly collects the cards off the table and adds them to his pile. Zoom into the backs of the cards to see ‘Top Trumps Despots’. Bob leans in towards Peter and sings “I took your Hitler, I took your Hitler. You’re a little shitler and now I’ve got your Hitler!”
Peter looks at Bob with contempt. He gets up and stomps off towards the bar, muttering under his breath “Fat bastard.”
Bob half-turns towards Peter “What was that dearie?”
Peter “Look do you want another scotch and water or not?”
Bob “Well, if you’re paying Petie-poos, I can hardly decline!”
The thick wooden doors of the bar burst open and the stern woman bursts through with a face like thunder.
Chief Whip “Well, well, well. If it isn’t our itinerant honourable members for skiving and enjoying the Crown’s hospitality. Playing hide and seek again gentlemen?”
Henry and Bob both hurriedly pocket their cards and sit with their heads down, unable to look the Chief Whip in the eye.
Peter slowly creeps back to the table, drinks in hand, on tip-toes. Presumably hoping not to be noticed.
As he places the drinks down he notices his cards are in full view and makes a desperate grab at them. The Chief Whip’s hand descends quickly and grabs Peter’s hand, knocking the cards out.
Chief Whip “So what is it today chaps? What could possibly be so important to keep you away from the vote on the PM’s new Human Rights Bill? Attendance to which, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, just might have a direct correlation on one’s future career prospects. Well? An emergency game of gin rummy perhaps? Or a cribbage session of the utmost national importance? At least thank God it’s not Strip Poker again!”
She picks up some of the cards and examines them
Chief Whip (incredulously) “Top Trumps Despots? You must be kidding me?”
No-one can look at her. They all mutter incomprehensibly in contrition.
Chief Whip “Unbe-bloody-lievable! (Pause) I’ve been trying to get my hands on a pack of these for months. Come on then, budge up. Deal me in!”
CUT AWAY
CUT BACK TO SAME BAR. IT IS NOW DARK
Peter, Henry, Bob and the Chief Whip are sitting around the table all looking dishevelled with empty glasses everywhere.
Chief Whip “Whadddayou mean, you win? Theresh no way you b-beated me with Sshairman Mao Zedong. Ha! Mousey Dong! Get it? He only had a mousey sized dong. No wonder he was the kinkiest! Hic. OK, OK, lessh play again. Come on then deal!”
Friday, 1 June 2007
FATHER XMAS IN SHOPPING STORE GROTTO FIRST DAY.
MANAGER right jenkins we have a few new rules this year. the first rule is you cannot let the children on your knee.
JENKINS right sir
MANAGER you cannot let them stroke your sack.
JENKINS i see sir
MANAGER you cannot tell them they will get everything they ask for if they are good. apparently this could cause us to be taken to court.
JENKINS right you are sir.
MANAGER and lastly do not use the phrase " i will just delve into my sack. it caused some offence to parents last year.
JENKINS well rules are rules sir i will be as professional as ever Sir.
MANAGER good man Jenkins.
CUT TO GROTO
WE CAN SEE FATHER XMAS TALKING TO SOMEONE BUT WE NEVER SEE WHO. THE MANAGER IS STANDING BEHIND A BLACK CURTAIN AND CANNOT SEE THE OCCUPANTS OF THE GROTO
JENKINS so have you been good this year.
WE HERE MANAGER CLEAR HIS THROAT AS A WARNING.
JENKINS do you like it when an old man enters your bedroom on christmas eve night?
THE MANAGER CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN.
JENKINS i have noticed you admiring my big sack
THE MANAGER SPLUTTERS A COUGH
JENKINS do you want to climb on my lap and delve into my big bulging sack?
THE MANAGER ALMOST HAS A COUGHING FIT
THE MANAGER my god Jenkins you depraved animal i am calling the police.
THE MANAGER THRUSTS OPEN THE CURTAINS IN HORROR BUT IS CONFRONTED BY JENKINS SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH A TALL BROWN HAIRED WOMAN WITH REVEALING CLOTHES ON.
THE MANAGER my god Joan the grotto is for the children not the managers wives.
THE END.
MANAGER right jenkins we have a few new rules this year. the first rule is you cannot let the children on your knee.
JENKINS right sir
MANAGER you cannot let them stroke your sack.
JENKINS i see sir
MANAGER you cannot tell them they will get everything they ask for if they are good. apparently this could cause us to be taken to court.
JENKINS right you are sir.
MANAGER and lastly do not use the phrase " i will just delve into my sack. it caused some offence to parents last year.
JENKINS well rules are rules sir i will be as professional as ever Sir.
MANAGER good man Jenkins.
CUT TO GROTO
WE CAN SEE FATHER XMAS TALKING TO SOMEONE BUT WE NEVER SEE WHO. THE MANAGER IS STANDING BEHIND A BLACK CURTAIN AND CANNOT SEE THE OCCUPANTS OF THE GROTO
JENKINS so have you been good this year.
WE HERE MANAGER CLEAR HIS THROAT AS A WARNING.
JENKINS do you like it when an old man enters your bedroom on christmas eve night?
THE MANAGER CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN.
JENKINS i have noticed you admiring my big sack
THE MANAGER SPLUTTERS A COUGH
JENKINS do you want to climb on my lap and delve into my big bulging sack?
THE MANAGER ALMOST HAS A COUGHING FIT
THE MANAGER my god Jenkins you depraved animal i am calling the police.
THE MANAGER THRUSTS OPEN THE CURTAINS IN HORROR BUT IS CONFRONTED BY JENKINS SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH A TALL BROWN HAIRED WOMAN WITH REVEALING CLOTHES ON.
THE MANAGER my god Joan the grotto is for the children not the managers wives.
THE END.
Friday, 25 May 2007
Traffic Warden 2
SCENE 1. EXT. A HIGHSTREET – [18:00]
TRAFFIC WARDEN (TW) IS TICKETTING CARS. A CAR PULLS INTO A PARKING SPACE JUST AHEAD. TW QUICKLY RUNS OVER AS THE DRIVER GETS OUT.
TW:
You can’t park there mate…
DRIVER GETS BACK IN CAR AND DRIVES OFF. TW HAILS A TAXI AND FOLLOWS THE CAR
SCENE 2. EXT. A HIGHSTREET – [18:10]
DRIVER PULLS INTO ANOTHER PARKING SPACE AS THE TAXI PULLS IN BEHIND HIM. THE DRIVER GETS OUT AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY
TW:
You can’t park there…
TRAFFIC WARDEN (TW) IS TICKETTING CARS. A CAR PULLS INTO A PARKING SPACE JUST AHEAD. TW QUICKLY RUNS OVER AS THE DRIVER GETS OUT.
TW:
You can’t park there mate…
DRIVER GETS BACK IN CAR AND DRIVES OFF. TW HAILS A TAXI AND FOLLOWS THE CAR
SCENE 2. EXT. A HIGHSTREET – [18:10]
DRIVER PULLS INTO ANOTHER PARKING SPACE AS THE TAXI PULLS IN BEHIND HIM. THE DRIVER GETS OUT AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY
TW:
You can’t park there…
Thursday, 24 May 2007
JobCentre (c) Gregory Brennan 29.9.2006
BUSY JOB CENTRE WE SEE A MAN WALK TO A VACANT CHAIR IN FRONT OF DESK. AN OFFICER IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK LOOKING BORED. HE IS LOOKING AT HIS HANDS AND THEN BITES HIS NAILS.
THE MAN SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND WAITS FOR THE OFFICER TO STOP WHAT HE IS DOING.
THE OFFICER LOOKS UP AND ACKNOWLEGES THE MAN AND SMILES.
MAN:
Just wondered if any new jobs have come in?
OFFICER:
Well we’ve had a few. I’d say just the sort of jobs that would fit your requirements to a “T”.
MAN:
Oh that’s interesting. Go on then let’s see what you have got?
OFFICER LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER. THE CUSTOMER TRIES TO LOOK BUT THE OFFICER TURNS THE SCREEN AWAY FROM THE CLIENT SO HE CANNOT SEE.
OFFICER:
Ok first of all we have this one, male over 21, good health required as a sword swallower at the “All Pink Circus”. No experience needed full hands on training provided. What do you reckon on that one? It looks like a nice little job for you.
MAN:
No really my type of thing, besides I’ve always had trouble with swallowing things and I am not sure if it would be nice gagging on a full length sword. What’s the next one then?
OFFICER:
How about this one? It looks promising and it’s right up your street. The local council are looking for a young athletic man to clean the back alleys in and around the Gay Quarter down by Canal Street. No previous experience required as long as applicant doesn’t mind rolling their sleeves up and getting their hands dirty. Uniform provided and full training is supplied by F.I.S.T.
MAN:
FIST? Who are they?
OFFICER:
Oh it’s the local funded cleaning directive. Filth Is Swiftly Tidied. Apparently if you complete the weeks course you get an “I’ve been fisted” diploma.
MAN:
Again not sure if I like that one
OFFICER BEHIND DESK ROLLS HIS EYES AND SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY
OFFICER:
How about this one a meat packer required needs to be strong a healthy as heavy meat is required to be humped around the place. Must have a tolerance for handling Pork and Beef and training is provided in handling the wide range of mincers at the abattoir.
MAN:
I’m a vegetarian I don’t think I could handle seeing all that dead meat hanging around everywhere. What else is there?
OFFICER:
Well we’re not having much joy today are we?
MAN:
I wouldn’t want to go for a job I didn’t feel comfortable with.
OFFICER:
Well what about gardening? We have vacancy for a gardener of an uphill plot.
MAN:
I have an allergy to flora and fauna I’m afraid I break out in hives if I go anywhere near a florist never mind a garden or park.
OFFICER:
In that case how about working in the theatre? The Alhambra Theatre is looking for a magician's assistant.
MAN:
What does that entail then?
OFFICER:
Apparently you would be a wand polisher.
THE OFFICER ARCHES ONE OFHIS EYBROWS
MAN:
All that “Pif, Paf, Poof stuff, I’m sorry no. As for squeezing into the magician box and watching him make his wand disappear I don’t think I would like it.
OFFICER:
Well how about the mining industry maybe? We have a vacancy for a marmite miner.
MAN:
No tight dark spaces and helmets not my thing I’m afraid.
OFFICER:
In that case what about working outdoors with a road construction company?
MAN:
That sounds more interesting what’s the work?
OFFICER:
It says here a dirt track irrigator
MAN:
Perhaps, not.
OFFICER:
Well we appear to have exhausted all of those vacancies.
THE OFFICER LOOKS PEEVED.
MAN:
Never mind I’ll call in at the end of the week to see if anything else has turned up.
THE MAN GETS UP FROM THE CHAIR AND MOTIONS TO LEAVE THE JOB CENTRE. AS HE IS WALKING AWAY THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK CALLS HIM BACK.
OFFICER:
Oh sorry I have just noticed one more.
THE CUSTOMER RETURNS TO THE DESK BUT REMAINS STANDING.
MAN:
What is it?
OFFICER:
It’s for a fudge packer.
THE MAN WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD. WE SEE THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK SMILE. HE TURNS THE SCREEN BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSSITION AND WE SEE A BLANK SCREEN.
HE SMILES TO HIMSELF AGAIN AND CARRIES ON BITING HIS NAILS.
THE END.
THE MAN SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND WAITS FOR THE OFFICER TO STOP WHAT HE IS DOING.
THE OFFICER LOOKS UP AND ACKNOWLEGES THE MAN AND SMILES.
MAN:
Just wondered if any new jobs have come in?
OFFICER:
Well we’ve had a few. I’d say just the sort of jobs that would fit your requirements to a “T”.
MAN:
Oh that’s interesting. Go on then let’s see what you have got?
OFFICER LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER. THE CUSTOMER TRIES TO LOOK BUT THE OFFICER TURNS THE SCREEN AWAY FROM THE CLIENT SO HE CANNOT SEE.
OFFICER:
Ok first of all we have this one, male over 21, good health required as a sword swallower at the “All Pink Circus”. No experience needed full hands on training provided. What do you reckon on that one? It looks like a nice little job for you.
MAN:
No really my type of thing, besides I’ve always had trouble with swallowing things and I am not sure if it would be nice gagging on a full length sword. What’s the next one then?
OFFICER:
How about this one? It looks promising and it’s right up your street. The local council are looking for a young athletic man to clean the back alleys in and around the Gay Quarter down by Canal Street. No previous experience required as long as applicant doesn’t mind rolling their sleeves up and getting their hands dirty. Uniform provided and full training is supplied by F.I.S.T.
MAN:
FIST? Who are they?
OFFICER:
Oh it’s the local funded cleaning directive. Filth Is Swiftly Tidied. Apparently if you complete the weeks course you get an “I’ve been fisted” diploma.
MAN:
Again not sure if I like that one
OFFICER BEHIND DESK ROLLS HIS EYES AND SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY
OFFICER:
How about this one a meat packer required needs to be strong a healthy as heavy meat is required to be humped around the place. Must have a tolerance for handling Pork and Beef and training is provided in handling the wide range of mincers at the abattoir.
MAN:
I’m a vegetarian I don’t think I could handle seeing all that dead meat hanging around everywhere. What else is there?
OFFICER:
Well we’re not having much joy today are we?
MAN:
I wouldn’t want to go for a job I didn’t feel comfortable with.
OFFICER:
Well what about gardening? We have vacancy for a gardener of an uphill plot.
MAN:
I have an allergy to flora and fauna I’m afraid I break out in hives if I go anywhere near a florist never mind a garden or park.
OFFICER:
In that case how about working in the theatre? The Alhambra Theatre is looking for a magician's assistant.
MAN:
What does that entail then?
OFFICER:
Apparently you would be a wand polisher.
THE OFFICER ARCHES ONE OFHIS EYBROWS
MAN:
All that “Pif, Paf, Poof stuff, I’m sorry no. As for squeezing into the magician box and watching him make his wand disappear I don’t think I would like it.
OFFICER:
Well how about the mining industry maybe? We have a vacancy for a marmite miner.
MAN:
No tight dark spaces and helmets not my thing I’m afraid.
OFFICER:
In that case what about working outdoors with a road construction company?
MAN:
That sounds more interesting what’s the work?
OFFICER:
It says here a dirt track irrigator
MAN:
Perhaps, not.
OFFICER:
Well we appear to have exhausted all of those vacancies.
THE OFFICER LOOKS PEEVED.
MAN:
Never mind I’ll call in at the end of the week to see if anything else has turned up.
THE MAN GETS UP FROM THE CHAIR AND MOTIONS TO LEAVE THE JOB CENTRE. AS HE IS WALKING AWAY THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK CALLS HIM BACK.
OFFICER:
Oh sorry I have just noticed one more.
THE CUSTOMER RETURNS TO THE DESK BUT REMAINS STANDING.
MAN:
What is it?
OFFICER:
It’s for a fudge packer.
THE MAN WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD. WE SEE THE OFFICER BEHIND THE DESK SMILE. HE TURNS THE SCREEN BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSSITION AND WE SEE A BLANK SCREEN.
HE SMILES TO HIMSELF AGAIN AND CARRIES ON BITING HIS NAILS.
THE END.
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